She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
