Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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