Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
