Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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