i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
