sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
