Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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