Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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