Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
