Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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