Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
