did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
