I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
