90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
