oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
