Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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