If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
