you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
