Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
