i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
