I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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