i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Even my vagina gasped.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
