The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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