i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
