3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
