Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
This is my gift to your gina
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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