dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
