Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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