I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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