he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
