Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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