Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
