Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
