sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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