I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize