Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
