Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
