I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
