Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
