Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
