should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
