I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize