Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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