$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
