he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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