im drinking this country out of the recession.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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