John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
