When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
