My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
