Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
