It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
