I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
