I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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