Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
