nut hugger
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
im six kinds of drunk right now
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
