I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
