you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
