can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
