saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Randomize
