my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
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