Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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