I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
