i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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