Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
two words: eviction party
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
