i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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