Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
