I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
