Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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